Unlovable

[First Draft]

Who’s going to love me now? I can’t believe that’s the first stupid thought that came to mind. It sounds so desperate. The question keeps creeping into my head, like some obnoxious troll.

I can’t keep the tears from streaming down my face as I saddle my horse. My breath comes in shattered waves. I try to push the emotion down by focusing on each clasp, but the harder I try to hold on, the more the world around me begins to blur. The ground rolls under my feet. The sky swims over my head. Shadow knows something is wrong and turns his large head to nuzzle my shoulder. Giving his tail an agitated swish, he snorts and shifts his weight from one foot to another. A familiar pressure tightens in my chest, and a fog descends over my brain. I can’t fall apart right now. I need to pull myself together. I stand there for a moment, burying my face in Shadow’s coat, breathing deeply. His familiar, musky smell calms me a little. Then, with one swift movement, I place a foot in the stirrup and fling myself up into the saddle. This is where I feel strong. This is where I feel free. Everything will be ok.

Bing! I tense immediately at the sound of the text alert. Pulling my phone out of my back pocket, I open the message: “WHERE ARE YOU?!!!”

I can barely hold back the string of profanities flowing through my mind as Mom’s message glares at me, so I shut off the phone. Ignoring her means there will be hell to pay later, but I can’t deal with her emotional manipulation right now. I need to clear the confusion in my head. I need to loosen the knot in my chest. Shadow prances underneath me. He’s ready to run, Giving him the reigns and clicking my tongue, he takes off down the trail.

Shadow’s thick neck pumps with every lunge forward. He races along the dirt path, hooves digging into the moist earth, tossing up soil and autumn leaves. The air is crisp and chills my lungs. The veil between horse and rider begins to drop, my heart pounding to the rhythm of Shadow’s stride. The trail winds its way through the trees, the green pines standing vigil against the changing canvas of maples and oaks. The sunlight slices through the branches, vibrating light that cuts through the canopy.

5 Comments ↓

5 Comments on “Unlovable”

  1. tessciarloni January 14, 2016 at 10:43 pm #

    Great writing!

  2. APRIL Speaks January 17, 2016 at 6:36 am #

    I always ask the same question to myself “Who’s going to love me now?” But I realized, I should trust God’s plan for me. I shouldn’t be in a hurry. I am a unique creation of God and He has the best plan that will only be made perfect with me.

  3. Christy B July 13, 2017 at 10:10 pm #

    The ending is so poetic… Sometimes we ask ourselves those questions like who will love me when we lose confidence.. I find talking with others can help me get back perspective xx

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